Medical Examiner Gifts

Cause of death: Just one of those things.

'Cause of death is still unknown. We hope to learn more once he's dead'

'I see a beautiful young woman. You're naked, she's leaning over you. Oh, wait. She's performing your autopsy! '

"Doesn't seem to matter how carefully you put them back together you always end up with pieces left over!"

'I told you Tom don't use this as a shortcut! The patients think they're being left here!'

"Some trainees find the post-mortem an eviscerating experience but you'll get used to it."

'Believe me...you're not the only one who doesn't enjoy these examinations'

Turkey Autopsy

"Yep, I'm pretty sure curiosity was involved."

"It says here she also swallowed a fly, but there is no reason why she swallowed a fly. It all sort of spiralled from there. Poor old lady."

In the coroner's office: 'Jesus!...Have you farted?!'

"We see a lot of these this time of year."

'He didn't have any alcohol in his system when he crashed his car, but he didn't have any glucose either.'

Autopsy Room / a banana autopsy room.

'Hold it! This cadaver has a footnote.'

"You're lucky. If it wasn't for the autopsy, we never would've caught it."

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

'We can't determine if you're telling the truth, but you should have a doctor check your pressure.'

"I suspect your headaches may be the result of you being exposed to someone with an undiagnosed case of cabin fever."

'The autopsy revealed he was indeed a yellow-bellied, lily-livered varmint!'

Reminder - Tuesday is open-mike night.

'I'm sure that the autopsy will confirm it was a suicide.'

"Cause of death? - He was struck on the head..."

Morgue Feet.

Voice from the morgue: 'I want a second opinion!'

"Another clear case of COVID19."

'His lungs were fine. He died of hypothermia from all those fag-breaks outside.'

'You would save money on the long run if you'd let me throw in an autopsy with the procedure.'

Autopsy Results

'Don't you just love working with people?'

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

"If they have to use dental records to identify a body, how do they know which dentist to ask?"

'Did you wash your hands?'

Sky Diving Club Eye Test

'This is to make sure no one is faking it.'