Mealtime Humorist Pillows

'Are you still eating your breakfast? I want to lay the table for lunch.'

Middle-Age Superheroes

A man and his baby are wearing bibs with images of what they are eating.

'Bless this food we are about to receive, all except the broccoli. Bless the apple pie twice.'

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"The mad king ruled by chaos and corruption. He pitted everyone against each other, and they all lived divisively ever after. The end."

Downside of a memory foam mattress.

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.

'How do you feel when you get up in the morning?' 'Amazed!'

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

"We'll have to eat out tonight - I misplaced the can opener."

'I want a big breakfast.. there are a lot of contended female cats in the neighborhood this morning.'

"It's not he worst meal I've ever eaten, that was your dinner yesterday."

"Are we pessimists and our stomachs are half empty or optimists and our stomachs are half full?"

'He isn't use to getting up this early.'

"Warren's too cautious to cure his mid-life crisis with a motorcycle, so he's rebelling by driving shirtless."

'of course it's not natural: He dyes his mane to cover up his grey hair...'

'The doctor said I was ready for solids, but not this solid!'

"J'entends le poulet qui arrive!"

'Yes, it's very nice. But, that isn't what I meant when I asked you to be more creative, in bed.'

Short on top, medium on the sides, and not bald in back.

"Honey, will you text grace, please?"

'This corn's got dandruff.'

'She says her wrinkles are laughter lines, but nothing is that funny!'

'What's your favourite meal?' 'Seconds.'

'What time is it? The small hand is on the 6 and the cat's paw is on my chin.'

Try to cut down on your salt intake.

"Read me that story that puts you to sleep so I can play in the internet."

Same Sexless Marriage

"I see a huge spider on the wall ... whatever you do, do not move!"

Have you said grace? No, we said grace yesterday, this is leftovers!

'The pizza guy wants to know what floor we're on.'

"I'm going to need a hug, Maurice - it's from the A.A.R.P."

"If so many things taste like chicken, why did God make chickens?"

Today's highs will be around 65. Today's lows will be getting out of bed and the morning commute.