Maturing Gifts

'Son, I think you're old enough now to know about the birds and the fleas.'

"Dad, I've been thinking it might make things better between us if I just called you Ed."

"My father would never let me marry a boy with a combover."

"You're not the same pupa you were when we first met."

There comes a time when every horse girl... becomes a horse woman.

"Good news, mom and dad! It took 20 years, but I finally over my 'I know more than you' phase."

"Junior's moved back home! It took him less than a week to work out that the grass is not always greener on the other side..."

"Hey, Siri, is it too late to threaten my parents with running away from home?"

"I can't get used to being a grownup."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"So, what do you do for play?"

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'Where Are They Now?'

"If I had known how adult her place was I would have brought nicer beer."

'I've been watering myself by taking showers. How come I'm not growing as tall as your plants?'

"Afterward, there will be a short Q. and A. that will be just long enough for one person to take up too much of it."

"On my taxes, I claimed my inner child as a dependent."

You're only young once but apparently there's no limit on childish. (Published originally on January 15, 2008.)

Al, you need to get over your childish desire for a pony. It's not childish, doctor. I only started wanting one last week.

"I didn't start seriously accessorizing until my mid-thirties."

'I'm afraid my husband will stop loving me as I get older.' - 'Mine would never do that with me. You know why, don't you. He's an antique dealer.'

'And, may I add, this hat does not scream, 'Bald Guy'.'

"Oh, that's my cousin. I'm the Bluebird of Mid-Life Existential Despair!"

"Awake and doing great"

'I must be growing up. I've caught myself washing my hands without being told to.'

How to injury yourself as an adult

Secrets of Adulthood.

'I must be getting old. I've stopped trying to come up with ways to drive you crazy.'

Beware... the Piñata of Adulthood

"This can't be happening! I'm supposed to be a cool adult! At least I bet I have a cool car!"

"I know it hurts, Henry, but sooner of later everybody has to condo the home he grew up in."

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

"Life is full of transitions...like from student loan to credit card debt."