Maturity Philosopher Gifts

"So, what do you do for play?"

"You're not the same pupa you were when we first met."

Corporate departments as a metaphor for growing up.

"Colin kept the bar fairly low."

Saguaro Cactus Regrets.

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

'Take a good look, Junior. When I was your age, I was 'Fun Size,' too.'

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

Midlife: You Are Here.

Apocalliptical

"Birth, bed, bath, beer, bankruptcy, bifocals, balding and beyond."

Balding Autumn Tree.

"Junior's moved back home! It took him less than a week to work out that the grass is not always greener on the other side..."

'You know, it's amazing what having a child costs you when you add it all up.'

How Moms explain.

"It seems like only yesterday I was on the verge of getting it all together."

Mall of ages

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

'If only I could accept that I can't accept being someone who finds it hard to accept acceptance from those who accept me for the person that I can't accept I really am.'

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

Phil at Fifty: Still Trying to Find Himself

"What if you go under before I need to?"

Baby Teething Problems.

"If being normal is so natural.....why is it such a strain?"

'I must be growing up. I've caught myself washing my hands without being told to.'

'Well, you know what the say...near death is the new 80.'

"I hope I age as well as you, Dad. Except for the neck."

"My father would never let me marry a boy with a combover."

"If I were a dog I'd only be 11."

'I must be getting old. I've stopped trying to come up with ways to drive you crazy.'

'I would be more health conscious if only I could also be unconscious.'