Mature Beyond Years Pillows

"So, what do you do for play?"

"You're not the same pupa you were when we first met."

"If I had known how adult her place was I would have brought nicer beer."

You're only young once but apparently there's no limit on childish. (Published originally on January 15, 2008.)

"Junior's moved back home! It took him less than a week to work out that the grass is not always greener on the other side..."

"Decide who you are, Wanona, before you buy sheets."

'I'm afraid my husband will stop loving me as I get older.' - 'Mine would never do that with me. You know why, don't you. He's an antique dealer.'

"If being normal is so natural.....why is it such a strain?"

'And, may I add, this hat does not scream, 'Bald Guy'.'

"I didn't start seriously accessorizing until my mid-thirties."

'I must be growing up. I've caught myself washing my hands without being told to.'

"Hey, Siri, is it too late to threaten my parents with running away from home?"

"My father would never let me marry a boy with a combover."

'Son, I think you're old enough now to know about the birds and the fleas.'

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

"Good news, mom and dad! It took 20 years, but I finally over my 'I know more than you' phase."

'I must be getting older. I tried to make an adorable remark to mom yesterday, and it came out all smart-alecky.'

"Dad, I've been thinking it might make things better between us if I just called you Ed."

Grow up, Slim.

Al, what advice would you give me as I begin my journey on the highway of adulthood? Pull over onto the shoulder and pretend you have engine trouble. With luck, a beautiful female mechanic will stop to help.

'Mumsie, Billy called me a snob... can I sue him?'

Immature Cheese

'Firstly Madame, the Green Grocer is across the road and secondly that should explain why your 'bananas' are vibrating...!'

Those guys are too green; I'm waiting for Mister Ripe.

"This time you can start over without the hubris of youth."

'I don't date them until they have a free bus pass - saves money on a night out...'

"Okay, I'm definitely getting older."

"And when I became a man, I put away childish thingees. Thingamabobs. Whatever."

Confidences of a Mature Siren.

I need to figure it to break it to my parents that I understand about death. I''m going to sit them down and tell them that I understand our cat Magus died and that's why her body stopped working. I'm going to explain that death is a natural part of life and that they don't have to treat me like a baby. I get it. If they're still feeling upset, I'll offer to take them out so they can buy themselves a treat. If all else fails, ice cream.

"Son, giving you money for college would be the easiest thing in the world for me to do."

"I hope when I grow up I'll have an amicable divorce."

'It's true that whiskey improves with age: the older I get, the more I like it.'

There comes a time when every horse girl... becomes a horse woman.

'What kind of crazy nonsense is that? It sounds like you've been listening to your inner adult again!'