Mature Moments Pillows

'Mumsie, Billy called me a snob... can I sue him?'

"So, what do you do for play?"

"You're not the same pupa you were when we first met."

". . . and now it's his memory. Three times on Saturday he asked me what day it was. Or did I already tell you that earlier?"

"Apart from that, Bob, what else did you learn on the team-building paintball weekend?"

"Junior's moved back home! It took him less than a week to work out that the grass is not always greener on the other side..."

"I didn't start seriously accessorizing until my mid-thirties."

'And, may I add, this hat does not scream, 'Bald Guy'.'

'I'm afraid my husband will stop loving me as I get older.' - 'Mine would never do that with me. You know why, don't you. He's an antique dealer.'

"My memory's not too good these days."

'I must be growing up. I've caught myself washing my hands without being told to.'

"Marie, are you still driving?"

"Hey, Siri, is it too late to threaten my parents with running away from home?"

"My father would never let me marry a boy with a combover."

'Take your cartoons serious son, remember, laughter is a serious business.'

'Son, I think you're old enough now to know about the birds and the fleas.'

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

The Name Brain

"Dad, I've been thinking it might make things better between us if I just called you Ed."

"Good news, mom and dad! It took 20 years, but I finally over my 'I know more than you' phase."

Al, what advice would you give me as I begin my journey on the highway of adulthood? Pull over onto the shoulder and pretend you have engine trouble. With luck, a beautiful female mechanic will stop to help.

'I must be getting older. I tried to make an adorable remark to mom yesterday, and it came out all smart-alecky.'

"Welcome to your new home, Dad."

From the Big Book of Childhood Realizatons: No. 3,271

"You've been listening to the mellow sound of Station EZZZ."

'Mine does the same...a loud involuntary groan every time he sits or gets up.'

Immature Cheese

'My drawings on the fridge are nice, but my video of grandmom putting them there just went viral!'

"Yes, mom, I forgot my towel. Now I need an exit strategy!"

Those guys are too green; I'm waiting for Mister Ripe.

'I'm doing this just to show my daughter there's no harm in losing.'

Sickbed

"I said, is it Thursday?"

I need to figure it to break it to my parents that I understand about death. I''m going to sit them down and tell them that I understand our cat Magus died and that's why her body stopped working. I'm going to explain that death is a natural part of life and that they don't have to treat me like a baby. I get it. If they're still feeling upset, I'll offer to take them out so they can buy themselves a treat. If all else fails, ice cream.

"Son, giving you money for college would be the easiest thing in the world for me to do."