Matrimony Skeptic Pillows

The Sleeping Congregation.

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

Life is for the birds.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

Marriage least expected to last...

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

Is man a social animal? - 'As a married man, the short answer is no.'

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

"I thought he was into fitness, but his 'fitness tracker' turned out to be a flea and tick collar."

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

Cupid misses his shot.

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

'We're looking for a minister who recognizes that relationships have a built in obsolesces.'

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

How's your marriage working out? I'm considering the foreign legion...but I doubt whether they'll take her.

"If only I liked you a little more and you liked like me a little less."

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'I can't believe she married the prince after only one date.'

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

"You don't have to say anthing, but anything you do say may later be used in court by a divorce lawyer."

Yes, but.

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

Cupid's Valentine

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."