Matchmaking Skeptic Pillows

"The computer appears to have matched you up with yourself Mr Narcissus"

"This is you perfect match. Believe me, algorithms don't lie."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

Marriage least expected to last...

"Here's one, Matey! 'Must Love Parrots.'"

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

'Jane, cancel all my appointments for the rest of the week.'

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

"I thought he was into fitness, but his 'fitness tracker' turned out to be a flea and tick collar."

The Sleeping Congregation.

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'Fred, don't you think you're over doing it a bit?'

When did this date go down the toilet? I assumed when you went to the men's room that you dropped it there.

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

Cupid

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

"To be honest, I'm a little surprised the dating service matched us up."

"AI can now scan dating sites and find your best match."

'Dream-dates don't normally go for nightmares.'

"I did warn you. Mum can take her time warming to a new boyfriend."

"The Tudballs got married by a judge. I still say a jury should have been present!"

'But how can we be sure the dating service didn't make a mistake?'

'I know I said you could take me home but I didn't mean to your place!'

"Here's one - 'Few-bricks-short-of-a-load seeks One-our-out-of-the-water.'."

"Bill and I hate the same books."

"You must believe me, Jane. I have excellent narrative skills."

Stay Tuned

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

"Martha, are you sure you're not marrying me for money?"

Marriage Exit Strategy

'Aunt Val's pretty cool. . . Kind of hot actually. . . for an older lady.'