Matchmaking Skeptic Pillows

"The computer appears to have matched you up with yourself Mr Narcissus"

"This is you perfect match. Believe me, algorithms don't lie."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

Marriage least expected to last...

'Jane, cancel all my appointments for the rest of the week.'

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"Here's one, Matey! 'Must Love Parrots.'"

"I thought he was into fitness, but his 'fitness tracker' turned out to be a flea and tick collar."

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

The Sleeping Congregation.

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

'Fred, don't you think you're over doing it a bit?'

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

Cupid

"To be honest, I'm a little surprised the dating service matched us up."

"AI can now scan dating sites and find your best match."

"I did warn you. Mum can take her time warming to a new boyfriend."

"The Tudballs got married by a judge. I still say a jury should have been present!"

'I know I said you could take me home but I didn't mean to your place!'

'Dream-dates don't normally go for nightmares.'

'But how can we be sure the dating service didn't make a mistake?'

"Here's one - 'Few-bricks-short-of-a-load seeks One-our-out-of-the-water.'."

"Bill and I hate the same books."

Elderly spinster commenting on a marriage

Stay Tuned

"You weren't playing hard to get! You were scared of commitment!"

"I did say I wanted to get married, but that was a false positive."

"Martha, are you sure you're not marrying me for money?"

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

"You must believe me, Jane. I have excellent narrative skills."