Maternity Leave Navigators Gifts

'No, I don't think you can claim under industrial accidents.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

What did I tell you about covering your bottom when you sneeze?

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

A Preschool of Fish

"Having nannies really changes you."

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"Since he was born today he won't begin daycare until tomorrow."

'How soon can I return to work? About fifteen minutes ago.'

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

"My inner child feels threatened by my inner baby."

'This is Tyler; he's mommy's precious little feral-angel.'

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

Newborn Chaos

Laptops

"If we synchronize our tantrums, they'll have to stop talking. You in?"

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

Mother racing to work for a company with day care and a health club.

Birthing Ball

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"You're six years old and I'm your mother! - I'm SUPPOSED to impose my moral standards on you!"

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

My wife is the inspiration behind the light speed spaceship - the longer I'm married, the more I want to be the first human who lives on Mars.

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

Babies

'We are considering a nursery expansion.'

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

'I feel much safer living in a gated community.'

"You mentioned separation anxiety. Don't worry, she'll be all right."

Sadie, we need to see a couple's counselor. Yuck. No way! I won't spend a bunch of dough to have some halfwit tell me how to live my life! But I found an inexpensive counselor who will just listen to us talk through our issues. Counseling $10. This end up.

'I have rather a full schedule today. Could you summarize your grievances of the past 48 years?'

Doctor Tries to Explain Breast Feeding

"...Mom, can you get me a glass of wine?"

Womb for Kids