Pregnancy Navigators Gifts

'I'm sure this is the right exit .'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

What did I tell you about covering your bottom when you sneeze?

"Remember, pregnancy is like taking an exciting thrill ride at an amusement park only the seats are larger."

"Oh, Mrs. Horris, he just said his first words..!"

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

This is forever... till death do us part...

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

'Have you two taken the COSMO 'compatibility test'?'

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

"My inner child feels threatened by my inner baby."

'You can go home today, but we'd like to run a few more tests on your husband.'

Birthing Ball

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

"You're six years old and I'm your mother! - I'm SUPPOSED to impose my moral standards on you!"

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

My wife is the inspiration behind the light speed spaceship - the longer I'm married, the more I want to be the first human who lives on Mars.

Obstetrics.

"...Mom, can you get me a glass of wine?"

'Everyone does divorces, Mrs.Dawson.'

"That's my baby brother? Then why'd you eat him?"

Sadie, we need to see a couple's counselor. Yuck. No way! I won't spend a bunch of dough to have some halfwit tell me how to live my life! But I found an inexpensive counselor who will just listen to us talk through our issues. Counseling $10. This end up.

Hormones before and after pregnancy.

"Honey, wake up! I just remembered something you did that annoyed the hell out of me!"

"You have superior extra ocular muscle strength - how often do you roll your eyes at your husband?"

"This is one of those things you should share before marriage."

'Inform him I dislike it when he uses the dog to communicate.'

"It took some figuring, but I think I figured out how to handle a temperamental teenager."

'Jeremy, why can't we talk instead of you bottling things up all the time?'

'It's another special interest call senator - your wife!'

'Our marriage is like a one-way street, and I'm behind him, honking my horn...'