Maternity Leave Navigators Pillows

'No, I don't think you can claim under industrial accidents.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

A Preschool of Fish

"Since he was born today he won't begin daycare until tomorrow."

"Having nannies really changes you."

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

'How soon can I return to work? About fifteen minutes ago.'

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

"My inner child feels threatened by my inner baby."

'This is Tyler; he's mommy's precious little feral-angel.'

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

Newborn Chaos

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

Laptops

Birthing Ball

Mother racing to work for a company with day care and a health club.

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"You're six years old and I'm your mother! - I'm SUPPOSED to impose my moral standards on you!"

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

My wife is the inspiration behind the light speed spaceship - the longer I'm married, the more I want to be the first human who lives on Mars.

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

Babies

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

'We are considering a nursery expansion.'

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

'I feel much safer living in a gated community.'

"You mentioned separation anxiety. Don't worry, she'll be all right."

Doctor Tries to Explain Breast Feeding

'I'll have what's left of my people get in touch with what's left of your people.'

'I have rather a full schedule today. Could you summarize your grievances of the past 48 years?'

"...Mom, can you get me a glass of wine?"

'Everyone does divorces, Mrs.Dawson.'