Matchmaking Enthusiasts Pillows

'I don't care how many arrows you use. It's not going to work with this guy. So beat it, you little brat.'

'A man in uniform? Well we've got two Park-Keepers, six Traffic-Wardens and a Deck-Chair Attendant' (at a dating agency).

'Hello? Help me out here. Would it kill you to show a little interest?'

Ventrilamatch.com

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"You don't know me well enough to not care how I look."

Romance

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

'....Till death do you part, don't say I didn't warn you.'

'Lover's lance isn't the same as it used to be!'

'I really can't stay for dessert. Why don't you stay and DVR the rest of the date for me?'

As long as there are husbands, we'll get our's money's worth!

'Don't let the photo put you off, it was taken when he was under the spell of a wicked witch.'

"We met through the personals. We both were seeking someone 'Rubenesque'."

'Jane, cancel all my appointments for the rest of the week.'

"Here's one, Matey! 'Must Love Parrots.'"

Dating - "Oh, and she must have a sense of humour."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Yes, he was very nice, Mom, but he had to cut the date short because it was... 'report card time'!"

"You lack spontaniety."

'...better or worse...better or worse...better or worse...'

'Fred, don't you think you're over doing it a bit?'

"I'm experiencing bouts of heavy breathing and dizziness when I'm speed dating!"

They knew they were made for each other when their eyes met from across the room at the Same Socks Bar,

Biological Cuckoo clock

"Your profile said you were a dog."

Ostrich Bar

'No, there isn't a probationary period!'

"Ideally, I'm looking for a guy who can make me smile."

"I'm the lot of baggage he comes with."

Kindly readers, our resident counselor, Sadie Cohen, will be answering actual questions sent to her via email. Prepare to get an earful of wisdom! Dr. Sadie, I am in a relationship with a beautiful woman who I wish to marry but am still reeling from my first marriage scares me. How do I get over that fear? Signed, Fearful in Salt Lake City. Fear is a worthless emotion. It doesn't help at all. What you should be feeling is terror. Run for your life.

When kissing a woman, try not to burp.

My personal ad specifically said I was a "dog person who enjoys walks on the beach."

'You remind me of my ex-ex-ex.'