Master Of Letters Gifts

Man on phone: 'Hi. My name is J8 I1 M3, and I think I'm addicted to Scrabble.'

'Ok, I'm in a paperwork mood. Let 'er rip.'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"A one-word email reply... classic power move."

"It's all a matter of planning...."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

'He usually doesn't follow medical advice, but when the doctor told him to learn to relax...'

Department of efficiency and cost analysis.

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

Editor.

'My manuscript is available for download on the internet. I'll email the link to you.'

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

'The kids are grown and gone now, but they always keep in touch.'

"Its my letter of resignation. I also turned it into a memoir."

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

Working from home to-do list.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

"We'll publish your book, doctor, but we'll have to get a second opinion."

"Actually, I'm on vacation, but I enjoy spending it here watching everybody else sweat."

'Your new book is full of mistakes: the critics will have a field day.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"Right here is where you lost the narrative flow."

'You will write a book, but it won't be on Oprah's recommended list.'

"Here it is - my novel. I'll be interested to hear your compliments."

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"Is this speech pie-in-the-sky nonsense or aspirational?"

'It's not enough that you want to publish it, you must beg for it.'

"The good news is the frustration of filling out all this paperwork will keep your mind off your pain."

Bureau of Red Tape

"It needs a lot of editing."