Martian Humorist Gifts

What NASA is not telling us...

'Houston, I'm prepared to land...'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

"Good Lord! Life on Mars...adorable life on Mars!"

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Abduction 101, when abducting eggs from a primitive planet always lower the temperature in the ship!"

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

God Sneezes Out Creation

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Glance Exchange

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

Clown God

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

'...heard the one about the Venusian, the Martian and the Saturnian?'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Man at penthouse party walks out onto terrace and is startled to see the Earth, instead of the moon, shining in the sky.

"It's just a tree."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

'Mayday! Mayday! I'm in the drink!'

"How about a hand."

Alien uses astronaut's visor as TV to watch news.

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."