Marriage-related Humor Collector Gifts

Marry One: Get One Free - Sale at Matrimonial Agency

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

His and Hers Wedding

"They must be from a time when it was safe to meet in the park at night."

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"Let's take in a trial."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

'I told you he had a temper.'

"No heroic measures."

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'