Marriage-related Humor Collector Gifts

Marry One: Get One Free - Sale at Matrimonial Agency

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"They must be from a time when it was safe to meet in the park at night."

His and Hers Wedding

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Let's take in a trial."

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"No heroic measures."

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'I told you he had a temper.'

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"