Marriage Humor Collector Gifts

"Please ask your wife to stop talking. We're gaining too much altitude."

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"They must be from a time when it was safe to meet in the park at night."

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

His and Hers Wedding

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"Let's take in a trial."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"No heroic measures."

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'I told you he had a temper.'

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"I figured you'd end up looking like that."

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'