Marriage Humor Collector Gifts

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

His and Hers Wedding

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

"They must be from a time when it was safe to meet in the park at night."

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"Let's take in a trial."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"No heroic measures."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

'I told you he had a temper.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I figured you'd end up looking like that."

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"