Marriage Pundit Gifts

Marriage certificates: proceed with caution

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Would you prefer the talking or the non-talking section?"

Neuro, Biology, Chemistry, Feedback, Psychology, Technology, Physiology Institute

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'Before we begin, he's the one that's been helping me with my homework.'

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'Why is it always about me?'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"Once you've jumped over the moon, standing around in a field all day just doesn't cut it."

"What on earth do they find to talk about?"

"The economy doesn’t make me half as nervous as my kids do."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

We would have come to you sooner, but he wouldn't ask for directions.

"I'm sure he's a fine boy, but we prefer interviewing your son in person."

See? This is precisely why we don't encourage office romances.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"I'v got this center-of-the-universe gig."

"Yes I know...she just needs a passport!"

'So is this your lazy days of summer, or are we still working on spring?'

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'My husband's first name? Heck, I don't know! I call him `wimp` since we met the first time'!

"And that's another thing, when did you last take me out ?"