Relationship Pundit Gifts

"He's been married before but he has excellent blue book value."

"Have you seen my mind? My wife thinks I've lost it."

See? This is precisely why we don't encourage office romances.

"Of course I'm naturally apologetic. I was conceived during make-up sex."

"Would you prefer the talking or the non-talking section?"

"Is 'Upstream' where we really want to be?"

Self Absorbed Christmas Tree

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'Don't panic, Miss, it's for gifts. No one's going to do a background check.'

'I think we've made a real breakthrough today.'

"Many a poor husband was once a rich bachelor."

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

Neuro, Biology, Chemistry, Feedback, Psychology, Technology, Physiology Institute

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'Why is it always about me?'

"This not the way I envisioned falling in love."

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'There's a NAGGING blog?'

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

Man in traffic jam watches couple row while eating popcorn.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"What on earth do they find to talk about?"

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"Once you've jumped over the moon, standing around in a field all day just doesn't cut it."