Dating Pundit Gifts

A woman stands looking at lost posters placed up by a boy she went on a date with.

"Mmm... Out of my league?"

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

"Would you prefer the talking or the non-talking section?"

Neuro, Biology, Chemistry, Feedback, Psychology, Technology, Physiology Institute

"Fact amnesty"

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'Why is it always about me?'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"Once you've jumped over the moon, standing around in a field all day just doesn't cut it."

See? This is precisely why we don't encourage office romances.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"The tweet you posted last night struck a chord around the world, united all factions, and basically altered the course of humanity."

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

Literary Dogs.

"Boy of a girl?! Don't you think it's a little early to be assigning gender?"

"If memory serves, the alternative to being a McGovern-nik was being a Nixon-nik."

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

"These days, professor it's "T.V. punditry or perish.""