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Marriage certificates: proceed with caution

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Would you prefer the talking or the non-talking section?"

Neuro, Biology, Chemistry, Feedback, Psychology, Technology, Physiology Institute

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'Does this say 'transitional husband' to you?'

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

'Before we begin, he's the one that's been helping me with my homework.'

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'Why is it always about me?'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"We encourage Theo to challenge clichés and mediocrity."

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"Once you've jumped over the moon, standing around in a field all day just doesn't cut it."

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"The economy doesn’t make me half as nervous as my kids do."

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

"What on earth do they find to talk about?"

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

We would have come to you sooner, but he wouldn't ask for directions.

"I'm sure he's a fine boy, but we prefer interviewing your son in person."

See? This is precisely why we don't encourage office romances.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"Yes I know...she just needs a passport!"

'My husband's first name? Heck, I don't know! I call him `wimp` since we met the first time'!

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'oh...You're home, just when my spirits were rising.'

"And that's another thing, when did you last take me out ?"

"I'v got this center-of-the-universe gig."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'So is this your lazy days of summer, or are we still working on spring?'