Marriage Prepper Gifts

"Oh for goodness sake, Walter...speak up when the minister asks you a question!"

Naturally, Bob thought the midwife was for him.

"And another thing: What's that strange clicking thing you do with your beak?"

A sun opens its mouth to eat a burning Earth

Okay, I'll admit I was wrong. But I won't say what I was wrong about.

'You've changed since we got married.'

Zombie Problems

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"She said, 'I'll go if you go,' and I said, 'I'll go if you go,' and here we are."

"Which one's yours?"

"OK, now what?"

The End is Nigh

'My wife's therapist doesn't understand me.'

'You can have a cute little boy like me. All you have to do is get pregnant.'

"I've learned to give up when I hear Brooklyn in your voice."

Personal Relationship Counsellor

Parson and abandoned husband

'Darling, how romantic...a pre-nup.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

'Ask him where he goes every December 24th - because he won't tell me!'

It's obvious anniversaries are the lynchpin of the big oil conspiracy. What? Husbands forget them. Which leads to wives pummeling them. Which leads to men making sure they don't forget again. All you had to do was mark it in your calendar! What do you think pens are made of? Pummeling will now commence.

The Ambivalence of a Nice Day in February

"I'm going to New Zealand for a walk."

'It's always about you isn't it, George? Wouldn't you like to hear about the terrible day I've had for a change?'

"My next book? It will probably be about rising up and crushing humanity."

"Marriage and relationships?...That would be under 'Arts and Science'!"

The golfer apologized for all his affairs. The governor regrets all his affairs. So does the former presidential candidate. I don't get the abstinence until marriage idea. Shouldn't it be abstinence AFTER marriage?

"I will refute my wife's allegations that I'm a work obsessed pedant with the aid of a slideshow presentation."

'Please don't interupt-we've only got 45 minutes.'

"This isn't just about the wolf anymore, is it?"

There's been lots of unexplained shaking and booming noises in the middle of the night - all over the world. Some thing earth's entered a part of space filled with meteors too big to burn up in our atmosphere. Others think governments are building a network of underground bases to save a select few from a coming apocalypse. A lot of people think the world's about to end, Susan. If it were anyone but you, I'd thinking this was a pickup line. For the first time in my life, all my favorite shows go

"Couples therapy is not 'going out', Henry!"

"Your wife is in overly critical condition."

"You will awake feeling refreshed...."