Marriage Mirth Pillows

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"Garden variety allergies."

"Ever since the layoffs, I feel like we've been doing the work of twenty clowns."

"This may be Malcolm Gladwell talking, but we were married on the wrong day!"

You need a sense of humor to work here, but you're overqualified.

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

"Remember, they're just as afraid of you as you are of standing up to your mother."

He said he loved her for her brain but was her appendix he was always taking out.

"At least you don't have a needy husband and an angry dog."

"Don't think of it as getting fired. Think of it as finally being recognized for your incompetence."

"Are we sexually compatible? Well, we both get headaches at the same time..."

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

"Can we not fly in a "V"? Victor broke up with me."

"His last words were 'Yodel-ay-he-hoo.'"

"By my count, that is the 27th last cast."

'His mother wants to know if you'll give him a haircut after you remove his tonsils.'

'And do you,take Kevin to be your lawful wedded husband for three years or 50,000 miles?'

"Daddy, I know you gave me away, but can you take me back?"

'This is one thing you can't blame on me.'

"I told you, no "funny business," Anderson."

'I've been here so often, they keep a room reserved for me.'

"And this is one of the nurses who'll be blamed if the surgeon kills your husband."

'I recommed that you two find a way to spice up your shelf life.'

'You didn't go down with shi-ip! You didn't go down with the shi-ip!'

'Marriage licenses are $10. and up. Do remember that you get what you pay for.'

"Honestly, you make clog dancing look so easy, Howard."

Periscope sighting

'NOW do you remember what Anniversary today is?'

'He never changes his shirt!'

"She's just waiting for him to be worth divorcing."