Marriage Lawyer Gifts

The Uber Wedding Planner: 'Ok, we're almost there...we just need a clarification on the whether the 'till death do us part' clause is meant literally or figuratively.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

'Do you think it might be possible that what you wear could be a contributing factor to your relationship problems?'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

"We'll always have couples therapy."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

Try Mediation

Too much togetherness can lead to unexpected problems.

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

'Great Therapy!'

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"...until death do you a favor."

"Well, you both sleep eighteen hours a day, so try to coordinate this to find a window for some quality time together..."

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

Wedding disaster #27.

"The whole time we were dating, he kept saying, 'You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!"