Marriage Humorer Gifts

'Let's pretend we're married so we can have a fight!'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Or you can rent by the week...'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"I've been having stomach problems. I sit on the bathroom for 30 minutes in the morning...and a half-hour in the evening."

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

His and Hers Wedding

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"Remember, they're just as afraid of you as you are of standing up to your mother."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Let's take in a trial."

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"No heroic measures."

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'