Marriage Challenger Pillows

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

"Y'know, I don't know what I'd do without her, but I'd sure like to find out."

"Ever notice how grateful people are when you present them with facts contrary to their beliefs?"

"Greta, look! The first dysfunctional family of winter!"

'You'll never be the next Micheal Phelps if you don't start working on your breaststroke.'

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

'Confusionism'

"What do you mean asking you to marry me via text wasn't romantic? Did you see the emoji with hearts for eyes I attached?"

'My dad is pushing me to become an alpha male, but frankly, I'd rather be a poet...'

"And do you, Courtney, take this man....Courtney!"

"By the time we can marry in all fifty states, we'll probably be divorced."

"It would keep me awake all night, but I'm up for a game of coffee pong first thing in the morning."

Couple on a Tandem Cycling in Different Directions

Clive would be lost without his morning heart starter.

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

'I'm sorry, but 'I'll see how I feel on the night' isn't really acceptable.'

'Your wife's on line three. And she's asked for the speaker phone to be put on full volume.'

"I said to him eventually, I said marriage is something you're just going to have to do on your own."

In the Days Before Coffee

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

'I have an even better idea, Steve -- let's get married without living together!'

"My wife has been walking five miles a day. I think she's somewhere in the middle of Pennsylvania now."

"One of you will have to remain behind."

"I resent it when people come into complain about their spouses, especially when one is my husband."

"What God has joined together let no man put asunder."

'Online dating is rubbish. I've written to 20 women and not ONE has replied.' 'At least you're being spurned in the comfort of your own home.'

'Yeah, I'm an atheist - and a damn good one.'

"Being married means never having to say you're sorry. It's presumed!"

"How long have I been typing on a waffle maker."

'If we bundle the money that goes to your first wife's alimony, plus the deposits you keep making into the new wife's bank account....it's easy to see where your money goes!'

"Honey, am I getting the cauliflower crust pizza, or the pizza crust cauliflower?"

'If you hate your wife, why do you buy her flowers?'

'To show I'm serious about giving up smoking for new year, I'm going to sign this pledge.'