Dating Challenger Pillows

'Online dating is rubbish. I've written to 20 women and not ONE has replied.' 'At least you're being spurned in the comfort of your own home.'

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"But how do I accomplish that in 140 characters or less?"

"Looks like Harriet mixed her lights and darks again."

Lawnmower

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Things got heated with the Morgans. I may have wagered our car. You're up."

Rejuvenile Delinquents.

"I'm trying to gain 10 pounds before midnight so I can keep my resolution to lose 10 pounds next year."

'You put him on a diet, so he put you on a diet.'

'Not bad. Already 17 minutes into Saturday morning before I receive my first ultimatum.'

"These cartoons are insulting! I don't like it at all! I would never watch something that shows Latinos like this!"

AI

'And this is what Larry calls his 'man cave'.'

"What do you mean asking you to marry me via text wasn't romantic? Did you see the emoji with hearts for eyes I attached?"

"I don't think there's anything wrong with your fitness watch: It's just that you haven't moved enough to trigger it..."

'My dad is pushing me to become an alpha male, but frankly, I'd rather be a poet...'

'How do you propose to repair the roof from down there?!'

Nil by text - "Don't worry, Mr. Smith, we will soon cure your addiction."

"Touch that and you're a dead man."

"Alien life-form or not, those dishes won't wash themselves up!"

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

'By the way, no one has ever beaten me and lived to tell about it.'

'...and when I did finally take out the trash, she locked the door behind me.'

"Wanna come over and watch the big game?....I was actually talking about the new 'Pac-Man vs. Superman' X-box game."

'The other foot also Mrs Zipsky!'

"Welcome aboard, Ms Pebble. We felt you fit our boardroom image rather well."

'Sorry...I don't do hugs!'

'Young lady, you're not going anywhere until you clean your lint trap!'

'It's the half-empty bag of cookies from the back of the pantry. Should I tell them you'll call back?'

"Your profile says you're a lumberjack, I though they were all big buggers."

Spring cleaning.

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

"I changed Siri's voice to a man, now it won't ask google for directions."