Character Limit Challenger Pillows

"But how do I accomplish that in 140 characters or less?"

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

Lawnmower

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

Rejuvenile Delinquents.

"These cartoons are insulting! I don't like it at all! I would never watch something that shows Latinos like this!"

'Not bad. Already 17 minutes into Saturday morning before I receive my first ultimatum.'

'My dad is pushing me to become an alpha male, but frankly, I'd rather be a poet...'

Earl and Lance struggle with their new invention, Chessers."

'And this is what Larry calls his 'man cave'.'

'How do you propose to repair the roof from down there?!'

'I intend to stay as CEO of this organisation come hell or high cholesterol.'

'...and when I did finally take out the trash, she locked the door behind me.'

"Alien life-form or not, those dishes won't wash themselves up!"

'What's with my cholesterol problem, Doc - all I eat is grass and grain!'

'I may be an incurable optimist, but I think I can get a raise out of ol' J.P.'

"Wanna come over and watch the big game?....I was actually talking about the new 'Pac-Man vs. Superman' X-box game."

"Welcome aboard, Ms Pebble. We felt you fit our boardroom image rather well."

'Sorry...I don't do hugs!'

'Young lady, you're not going anywhere until you clean your lint trap!'

"This weekend is seriously messing with some of my previously held beliefs."

"You get your money back if your don't get laid in seven days."

"I changed Siri's voice to a man, now it won't ask google for directions."

Spring cleaning.

"Your profile says you're a lumberjack, I though they were all big buggers."

"Just stop and ask for directions...we are going to miss Rihanna!"

'I reduce my stress with comfort food. Now none of my clothes are comfortable.'

A man walks with a dog who has learnt to scoop his own poop.

"That's an interesting question, Clint. I don't know if my gun rack is an authentic regionalism or just a macho affectation."

"Jewish people go out for Chinese food, but do you ever see Chinese people going out for Jewish food?"

'I got him for self defense. Boze eats my wife's leftovers.'

"Your good cholesterol has come under the influence of your bad cholesterol."