Character Limit Challenger Gifts

"But how do I accomplish that in 140 characters or less?"

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

"Looks like Harriet mixed her lights and darks again."

Lawnmower

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

Rejuvenile Delinquents.

The latest craze in party games: needlepoint charades.

'Not bad. Already 17 minutes into Saturday morning before I receive my first ultimatum.'

"These cartoons are insulting! I don't like it at all! I would never watch something that shows Latinos like this!"

Earl and Lance struggle with their new invention, Chessers."

'And this is what Larry calls his 'man cave'.'

'My dad is pushing me to become an alpha male, but frankly, I'd rather be a poet...'

'How do you propose to repair the roof from down there?!'

'I intend to stay as CEO of this organisation come hell or high cholesterol.'

'...and when I did finally take out the trash, she locked the door behind me.'

"Wanna come over and watch the big game?....I was actually talking about the new 'Pac-Man vs. Superman' X-box game."

"Alien life-form or not, those dishes won't wash themselves up!"

'What's with my cholesterol problem, Doc - all I eat is grass and grain!'

'I may be an incurable optimist, but I think I can get a raise out of ol' J.P.'

"Welcome aboard, Ms Pebble. We felt you fit our boardroom image rather well."

'Sorry...I don't do hugs!'

"This weekend is seriously messing with some of my previously held beliefs."

'Young lady, you're not going anywhere until you clean your lint trap!'

"I changed Siri's voice to a man, now it won't ask google for directions."

Spring cleaning.

"Just stop and ask for directions...we are going to miss Rihanna!"

"Your profile says you're a lumberjack, I though they were all big buggers."

"You get your money back if your don't get laid in seven days."

'I reduce my stress with comfort food. Now none of my clothes are comfortable.'

"That's an interesting question, Clint. I don't know if my gun rack is an authentic regionalism or just a macho affectation."

"Jewish people go out for Chinese food, but do you ever see Chinese people going out for Jewish food?"

A man walks with a dog who has learnt to scoop his own poop.

'Unfortunately, Mr.Beckons, your son Dean is very allergic to grass. . .'

'Give me the most soft and gentle looking unicorn tattoo you've got!'