Marital Irony Gifts

'I used to be happily married, now my wife is happily married...'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

The finer points of marriage.

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

'I'm leaving my wife because of another woman. Her mother.'

"I never thought I'd get married again."

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"Now remember - ten paces, turn and fire..."

'I wonder how my husband is managing at the construction site with my gavel.'

"And that's another thing, when did you last take me out ?"

'Quit interrupting me. You were always doing that.'

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

'I don't mind him smoking in bed. . .But not herrings.'

Marriage Guidance

"I don't like this hot dish."

'Everytime I look at another man he hits the ceiling.'

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

"When we get inside, remember to use your indoor whining and complaining voice."

"Where has the magic gone, George?"

'Sometimes I think you only married me for my employer's spousal benefit health insurance coverage.'

'...And do you Colin, take Linda to be your cook, cleaner and main income provider?'

'I pursued the ol' M-R-S degree, with a concentration in all of his shortcomings.'