Marital Irony Pillows

'I used to be happily married, now my wife is happily married...'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

The finer points of marriage.

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"I never thought I'd get married again."

'I'm leaving my wife because of another woman. Her mother.'

"And that's another thing, when did you last take me out ?"

"Now remember - ten paces, turn and fire..."

'I wonder how my husband is managing at the construction site with my gavel.'

'I wish to lose all excess weight.'

'Quit interrupting me. You were always doing that.'

Marriage Guidance

'I don't mind him smoking in bed. . .But not herrings.'

'Everytime I look at another man he hits the ceiling.'

"Where has the magic gone, George?"

"I don't like this hot dish."

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

"When we get inside, remember to use your indoor whining and complaining voice."

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

'Sometimes I think you only married me for my employer's spousal benefit health insurance coverage.'

'...And do you Colin, take Linda to be your cook, cleaner and main income provider?'

'I pursued the ol' M-R-S degree, with a concentration in all of his shortcomings.'