Marital Ironist Pillows

'I know I agreed to an open marriage, but I didn't think you'd have a date on our wedding night.'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"I'll bet you can't name three of their songs."

I'd like to talk about absenteeism.

'for more obit info, go to...'

THEY WANT TO CHANGE US

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

This isn't a good time to see him --- He just got outbid for a soul on eBay. Beelzebub.

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

'Johnson gave it to Wilson to give to Adams to give to O'Connor to give to Anderson to give to me to give to you to get it done right away.'

'I wonder how my husband is managing at the construction site with my gavel.'

"And that's another thing, when did you last take me out ?"

Artist Misses the Point

"Now remember - ten paces, turn and fire..."

Fitted Sheet:1/Human:0

Sartre's E-Mail

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'Quit interrupting me. You were always doing that.'

"Of course I've had some wonderful times since we've been married. Mostly, while you were at work."

Marriage Guidance

"When we get inside, remember to use your indoor whining and complaining voice."

'Mom's a lousy cook.'

Income Tax Return

'Everytime I look at another man he hits the ceiling.'

"You know what I bet it is? I bet we're breaking up but we just don't realize it yet."

A New Development in the war between the Sexes: Guilt Seeking Missile

' Kiss me'

'I pursued the ol' M-R-S degree, with a concentration in all of his shortcomings.'

'You never look more beautiful than when you're walking out on me.'

"Marriage? Being my unidentified woman companion isn't enough?"

'He keeps pointing me out to his friends. Apparently, no one believed he'd ever find someone desperate enough.'