Literary Ironist Pillows

Woman throws a book titled 'How To Get Along With Others' at a passer-by.

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Lactose Intolerant

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Freedom comes at a cost. We must be willing to pay the ultimate price. Retail.

"To be honest, I don't believe in ghosts."

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

"My career's in shreds, but on the bright side, so are my files."

How to win friends and Influenza People.

Armed forces waiting with nothing to do.

"At First Infidelity we're all about integrity...."

Man commiting suicide finds the treasure at the bottom of the sea.

Gary misread the new policy on 'Free Thinking' in the work place.

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

''Science moves but slowly, slowly, creeping on from point to point'. Tennyson.'

'Of course I hired Andrew. He's the best divorce lawyer around! Unfortunately, he's also the rat I want to get divorced from...'

"I'll bet you can't name three of their songs."

'Caution Speed Bump Ahead.'

I'm tired of your games, Al. MY games? look who's talking! The guy with the role-playing hand puppets!

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, despite how bad it's going to screw you?"

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

Profits - "On the positive side, our company has never been touched by any scandal connected with insider trading."

"Pavlov's dog: Friday night"

"Its my letter of resignation. I also turned it into a memoir."

Why Superman flies himself

'Center for the Study of Murphy's Law' (Closed today because everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.)

'I believe we got your blood pressure back up to normal.'

'for more obit info, go to...'

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

'Our goal is for you to successfully transition to your new job before retirement age.'

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"