Marital Arts Gifts

"His body washed up in the tub."

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Sulk Shows

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"Well if it doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, why don't I be right and you be wrong?"

Hold on

"You're absolutely sure my wife won't be able to find this?"

Mrs Cat waiting for Mr Cat coming home late.

"The Jacksons will be there in about an hour and I promise you guys an epic fight!"

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"It's not what you think."

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

'She says she's never had an affair with David Beckham and she expects me to believe that!'

'We're past the 'romantic' phase and into the 'living hell' phase.'

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

"I'm afraid, we may have to keep your wife in for a few days."

'It's nothing serious. My wife and I just had a little tiff.' (Marriage counselor covered in bruises, cuts and bandages).

'I understand your reluctance to speak but your marriage is in a rut and your wife needs your input.'

"Honey, please! I can’t concentrate with you in there being married to me!"

"Well, Martha, I certainly hope your Scrabble victories keep you warm at night!"

'We have separate bedrooms because I snore and because I can't stand the sight of her.'

'My wife wanted a dog and I wanted a cat... In the end we got a lawyer!'

"How come you only loosen up when you've got a cold?"

"I say 'tomarto', he says 'tomayto', I say 'portarto', he says 'potayto'. Why else do you think we're here?"

"Lately she refers to me as her 'insignificant other'."

'He always leads with his chin! Is that my fault?'

"Now, if something happens to your marriage, do you want do-not resuscitate?"

'I'm leaving you for someone who ignores me to watch Wimbledon!'

Man to Marriage Counselor: 'All I'm asking for is a little respect.'

'It's your wife!'

'During the work gap on my resume, between 2008 and 2012, I was working on my marriage.'