Marauder Jesters Gifts

" ... and if we finish pillaging early enough, we can still catch the evening Zumba class on the after deck."

"They want to put up a new cell tower in our neighbourhood?! We don't need more of those radio emission eyesores here! I'm gonna complain... ...as soon as I have better signal strength."

Who should I call first? 911 or Technical Support?

'Oh, just chuck it in a corner somewhere...'

Beer Order

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

Pie chart of pub conversations

"You're making a complete ass of yourself, Rodney!"

"You know very well what fish!"

"When you take the oath don't worry. There's a lightning rod on the roof."

'Look, Your Honor -- We're both over-fifty white males, right?'

'We, the jury, find the defendant guilty... and his attorney obnoxious.'

'We're ready to order... ORDER!'

I'm turning to the 'Duck' side!

"Psst! If you have any stock tips to pass on, I can probably lighten your sentence for insider trading."

Rugby oldies

"The jury will disregard the defendant's statement that he will donate 100% of his criminal earnings to the Concerned Mobsters for Eritrea Fund!"

'The prisons are overcrowded, so why don't you just drop and give me fifty push-ups?'

Conflicted Chief

"Your honor, I'd like to request a new defense attorney!"

'The justice will be swift - the attorney fees, swifter.'

'Our plea will be innocent by reason of insanity.'

Where legal teams but their outfits.

"The business of crime DOES pay. It pays our salaries!"

'Your honor, we find the defendant not guilty, but we sure wouldn't let our daughters go out with him!'

Requiem for Progressives

Looking for a cool cat.

"Your Honor, the state has every reason to consider the defendant an extremely high flight risk."

'The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? That doesn't allow for much flexibility.'

'Mr. Justice, must you keep repeating 'nobody can fire me, nobody can dire me, nobody can dire me'?'

"Arlen keeps bragging about running 26 miles. What he fails to tell people is that it took him eight months to do it."

'Uh oh! I don't like the looks of that jury.'

"You call that justice? There's 20% cats in this town and I have to appear before an all dog jury."

'What do you mean there's no specific rule that forbids a center fielder from doing that?'

"He was a plagiarist. So what if I plagiarized him."