Management Maneuverer Gifts

'Scapegoat won't do. I'm going to need you to be my bitch.'

"Is this to make me feel bad for not getting you that laptop?"

Team Leader

Employee won't think about work outside of box

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

"It's all a matter of planning...."

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"The only good news this year, gentlemen, is our massive bonuses."

'I've collected my memos into one reasonably priced gift book.'

"You haven't been laid off because you're the designated scapegoat."

There now, that wasn't too difficult was it!

'This is what happens when we give up our resistance to change.'

'I think I'm decisive. Can I get back to you on that?'

"Less hair doesn't mean less work!"

'In keeping with the team approach, we've traded you for two middle managers to be named later.'

"Office of quality assurance"

'Do you still wonder how Kevin got his promotion to VP?!'

'We'll skip that rubbish.'

"Excuse me, Mr Newton, but some of the employees think that your promotion has gone to your head."

'Every man has his price, Peterson. I've decided yours is £2.75.'

'We're not interested in loyalty,but we do value obedience.'

'He's out massaging,manipulating and monopolising.'

'Well I think everything is in order, congratulations on your new home!'

Mismanagement Consultant.

'Knock it off. That's just the kind of backward thinking I was talking about.'

"Things are getting desperate...we have to do something!"

"He's right, but he didn't have to rub our faces in it."

'He pats my back, but I don't pat his.'

'Between you and me, it's a public relations move. I fire you, then bring you back as a consultant.'

Colin had finished the 'One Minute Manager' and was now practising the 3467 minute tea break.

"Congratulations, dad! You won for 'Most Imaginative Maneuver' on a skateboard!"

"Bit if I'm here...how can I also be up close and personal to my managers?"

' I used to lead by example but it was too much work.'