Mama Influencer Pillows

'You know, it isn't the mother's texting while delivering that bothers, it's those damn selfies they upload to Facebook.

"Tariffs love me...tariffs love me not..."

"There's no such thing as 'bad publicity'." "All traffic is good traffic."

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

Other girl's luxuries are my necessities.

"I got 30 likes but Mom's was not one of them."

"I don't post selfies because I don't want people to feel better or worse about their looks."

A is for App...B is for Blogger...C is for Celebrity.

"We've decided that it will be better for his later development if we speak to him only in legalese."

"Where have you been? This content's not going to create itself."

"What do you want to be when you blow up?"

'And the wicked stepmother looked into her smartphone and said, "Selfie, selfie in my face, who's the fairest in this place?"

'The ten commandments have all been reduced to tweets.'

"Mommy, watch, I'm living authentically!"

"Well, the alternative would be to use your social media accounts to promote toothlessness."

"I'm spending more time promoting myself than I am being myself."

"Perhaps more people would give heed unto the word of the Lord if the Lord had a funny blog."

"It's time we discuss menopause and climax change."

"This is off our first TikTok."

"Influence this."

Witches of Instagram

'Your tweets have quite a following.'

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

"I already have the perfect hashtag!"

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

"That's right, it's @kingphilbert3rd... Yeah, with a P-H... That's him, yep, now tap "follow"..."

"Remember when we were Instagram models?"

"May I recommend our Seared Filet with Lobster Cream Sauce? It's very photogenic."

'We're an international company, Mr. Zickenbarth. We've got creditors in more than 200 different countries!'