Making Up After A Fight Pillows

"You can't buy forgiveness with airline miles, Charles."

'Why don't you give up breathing for lent?'

"Better get two dozen. She won't be able to hit you as hard with both arms full."

"Have I been good or have you been bad?"

"Your basic rule of thumb should be,the bigger the guilt, the longer the stem."

Speed Dating for Turtles

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

"Have you tried barking at the moon?"

"It's from my first fight. So make the stitches big so I'll have a gnarly scar to show off."

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

'After giving a recorded statement to these people, being grilled by 60 Minutes would seem like a piece of cake.'

'Very funny!'

"That's where the pain gets me, doc."

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

'I'll clobber the first joker who ask me if I enjoyed my 'Winter Break'!'

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

The lame cowboy with spurs on his crutches.

'We'll have you practising in a milk float in no time!'

'So you're off to see the chiropodist... the only time in your life you shouldn't put your best foot forward!'

"Mom said Dad pulled a groin surfing Mendocino. When will he realize he's not 60 anymore?"

"It will be okay to hop when you go home but don't try to run."

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

"No more tickling Daddy for awhile, 'kay Puddin?'"

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

Man with broken leg in cast.

'Very funny!'

Footballer with a broken leg and a ball in his cast.

'I drank 10 pints of rum.'

'This is your lucky day!'

A dog bringing a pirate his peg leg.