Making Up After A Fight Mugs

"You can't buy forgiveness with airline miles, Charles."

'Why don't you give up breathing for lent?'

"Better get two dozen. She won't be able to hit you as hard with both arms full."

"Your basic rule of thumb should be,the bigger the guilt, the longer the stem."

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

"It's from my first fight. So make the stitches big so I'll have a gnarly scar to show off."

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

'Very funny!'

'After giving a recorded statement to these people, being grilled by 60 Minutes would seem like a piece of cake.'

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

"That's where the pain gets me, doc."

'I'll clobber the first joker who ask me if I enjoyed my 'Winter Break'!'

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

The lame cowboy with spurs on his crutches.

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

"It will be okay to hop when you go home but don't try to run."

'We'll have you practising in a milk float in no time!'

"Mom said Dad pulled a groin surfing Mendocino. When will he realize he's not 60 anymore?"

'So you're off to see the chiropodist... the only time in your life you shouldn't put your best foot forward!'

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

Man with broken leg in cast.

'Very funny!'

Footballer with a broken leg and a ball in his cast.

'I drank 10 pints of rum.'

'This is your lucky day!'

A dog bringing a pirate his peg leg.

"Go ahead, Perkins. I can listen to your report and roll out my hammies at the same time."

'Well, given that you have three broken ribs, laughing is bound to be painful...'

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

A man sews broken hearts back together.

'It's always about you isn't it, George? Wouldn't you like to hear about the terrible day I've had for a change?'