Recovery From Breakup Pillows

"Okay, these are the documents we need to sue your ex for child support, and if we can convince the court it's not too out off line, to have the words, 'lying, cheating b*****d' tattooed on his forehead."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

Large Emoticon Collider

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

A man sews broken hearts back together.

'2 chocolate truffles in the morning and 2 in the evening should cure your broken heart,,,'

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

Ereptile Dysfunction

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"You've got to learn to let go."

'Well, if you really want to know...you will meet a short, pale and ugly man...'

A woman buries her broken heart

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

"In this YouTube tutorial, I'm going to show you how to be alone with yourself."

"I'm not sure I'm ready to date again. I'm just coming off a bad mitosis."

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

'My advice? Dump him! There are plenty more fish in the sea...'

'Right now I'm on a 'man diet'. No more boyfriends until I lose twenty pounds.'

"Could you just make it a little awkward for a few weeks?"

"You came back!"

"Recently separated."

"If you ask me, we're better off without her."