Post-breakup Recovery Pillows

"Yeah, Bob's an old flame. I had to dig a fire line to keep him at bay."

"Believe me, babe, you'll be sorry after my gastric bypass."

Speed Dating for Turtles

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

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Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"Have you tried barking at the moon?"

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

A man sews broken hearts back together.

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

Ereptile Dysfunction

'2 chocolate truffles in the morning and 2 in the evening should cure your broken heart,,,'

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

"You've got to learn to let go."

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

"In this YouTube tutorial, I'm going to show you how to be alone with yourself."

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

A woman buries her broken heart

Change your style, learn to smile!

'Well, if you really want to know...you will meet a short, pale and ugly man...'

"I'm not sure I'm ready to date again. I'm just coming off a bad mitosis."

"I think we should each try other beers."

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"

"Honestly, I'm not sure I even know who every one of you are anymore."

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

Sleep Clinic. ZZZZZZ. We can tell a lot about somebody's sleep by the sounds they make. This subject is experiencing normal, restful sleep. YYYYYY. He's having fitful sleep because his girlfriend dumped him. MMMMMM. It looks a lot like he's having a dream about a delicious meal. BBBBBB. This gardener is having a nightmare about disturbing a hive. And what's happening here? I think he's look forward to "talk like a pirate day"! RRRRRR.

"If you ask me, we're better off without her."

"Could you just make it a little awkward for a few weeks?"

'My advice? Dump him! There are plenty more fish in the sea...'