Post-breakup Survivor Pillows

"The only thing that I like about my 'Ex' is, precisely, that he is my 'Ex'."

"Despite breaking up they still had pet names for each other."

Speed Dating for Turtles

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"...until death do you a favor."

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"Have you tried barking at the moon?"

"Can you recommend a wine that would compliment a divorce?"

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"I got over DDT, and I'll get over you!"

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

A man sews broken hearts back together.

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"Oh no! You, again?"

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

Ereptile Dysfunction

'I see. So what you're saying is that you woke up this morning and your woman had done left you.'

"You've got to learn to let go."

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"

"Can't you just say 'bippity boppity boo' and make all these messy divorce negotiations turn into pumpkins or something?"

"On a personal note, my wife, Ann, and I have agreed to separate, as I've fallen in love with the sound of my own voice."

Your Dinner Is In The Trout Stream

'These anti-depressants aren't for swallowing, sir, they're for throwing at your ex-wife.'

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

"...ummm, remember that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped?"

Mr. Chester's diplomacy

A woman buries her broken heart

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

'Well, if you really want to know...you will meet a short, pale and ugly man...'

"Honestly, I'm not sure I even know who every one of you are anymore."