Post-breakup Pillows

'Then, just when I lost twenty pounds and was voted tops in my gym class he ran off with the fatso next door!'

Speed Dating for Turtles

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

Large Emoticon Collider

Marriage least expected to last...

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"Have you tried barking at the moon?"

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

'Two Mr. Wrongs don't make a Mr. Right.'

A man sews broken hearts back together.

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

"Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Don't...."

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

'If cupid shot me with his arrow this week, it would bounce right off!'

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

'Are you ready to get hurt again?'

"You've got to learn to let go."

"I think we should each try other beers."

Months after she broke with the celery, Alice was still being stalked.

Bob tries to win her back with flowers.

"Honestly, I'm not sure I even know who every one of you are anymore."

'Well, if you really want to know...you will meet a short, pale and ugly man...'

"In this YouTube tutorial, I'm going to show you how to be alone with yourself."

"I need a man who will commit."

"I'm not sure I'm ready to date again. I'm just coming off a bad mitosis."

A woman buries her broken heart

Men in women's 101

'He has delusions of grandeur. He thinks I'm in love with him.'

Boyfriend Shirt.

"You came back!"

"Could you just make it a little awkward for a few weeks?"