Recovery From Breakup Gifts

"Okay, these are the documents we need to sue your ex for child support, and if we can convince the court it's not too out off line, to have the words, 'lying, cheating b*****d' tattooed on his forehead."

Speed Dating for Turtles

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

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Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"Have you tried barking at the moon?"

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

A man sews broken hearts back together.

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

Ereptile Dysfunction

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

'2 chocolate truffles in the morning and 2 in the evening should cure your broken heart,,,'

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

"You've got to learn to let go."

'Well, if you really want to know...you will meet a short, pale and ugly man...'

"I'm not sure I'm ready to date again. I'm just coming off a bad mitosis."

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

"In this YouTube tutorial, I'm going to show you how to be alone with yourself."

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"

"Honestly, I'm not sure I even know who every one of you are anymore."

A woman buries her broken heart

"I think we should each try other beers."

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

Sleep Clinic. ZZZZZZ. We can tell a lot about somebody's sleep by the sounds they make. This subject is experiencing normal, restful sleep. YYYYYY. He's having fitful sleep because his girlfriend dumped him. MMMMMM. It looks a lot like he's having a dream about a delicious meal. BBBBBB. This gardener is having a nightmare about disturbing a hive. And what's happening here? I think he's look forward to "talk like a pirate day"! RRRRRR.

"You came back!"

"Could you just make it a little awkward for a few weeks?"

'I couldn't run away with you. I feel I would be depriving a village of its idiot!'

"I need a hug."

"If you ask me, we're better off without her."