Recovering From Breakup Gifts

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

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'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

A man sews broken hearts back together.

'2 chocolate truffles in the morning and 2 in the evening should cure your broken heart,,,'

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

Ereptile Dysfunction

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"It's over between us, Kevin, I've met a most wonderful cod!"

"You've got to learn to let go."

"I've been getting the most intense workouts since I taped a picture of my ex on the heavy bag!"

A woman buries her broken heart

'What are you doing trying to tempt me?? I told you I was through with you!!'

"In this YouTube tutorial, I'm going to show you how to be alone with yourself."

"I'm not sure I'm ready to date again. I'm just coming off a bad mitosis."

'Well, if you really want to know...you will meet a short, pale and ugly man...'

'When I said we should see other people, I didn't mean starting tonight.'

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

'Right now I'm on a 'man diet'. No more boyfriends until I lose twenty pounds.'

"You came back!"

"Could you just make it a little awkward for a few weeks?"

"Recently separated."

"If you ask me, we're better off without her."

'My advice? Dump him! There are plenty more fish in the sea...'