Magic Misfits Pillows

"Eye of newt. . . wing of bat. . . hair of dog!"

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"I got super baked in the shire and accidentally recruited these four little weirdos for the most important mission of all time."

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

'okay...where did you hide it?'

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

'How much stuff can I get away with and still go to heaven?'

'Excuse me, I'm going to talk on the cellphone while pretending you're not here.'

"No Joke! I taught my dog to fetch coffee."

Photobooth Photobomb

"Here's a buck, kid... Don't tell your mom I snuck out of my retirement home!"

'The man was real nice about it. He gave me my ball back and even said you can expect a nice call from his lawyer.'

Whatever!

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

"I've just discovered this brilliant new ingredients."

'Let's just keep quiet about this, and maybe some terrorist group will claim credit.'

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

"I guess breakable things need to be more careful around me."

'I hereby sentence you to three years of piano lessons.'

"My dad ate my homework."

"Melisa! - Your spelling is atrocious!"

Doggie Bowl Drill

"So nice to spend a week just ransacking with the kids."

'... No, actually. He's short, blond and ugly.'

'Stop fooling around, I can hear my dad coming out of the shower...'

'The real fun comes when we go through airport security.'

"But aside from the lycanthropy, things have been pretty O.K."

"I know that on-line dating service claims a 90% success rate, but let's face it, Henry, we're in that other ten percent!"

"If that's my mom tell her I'm at recess."

Something beautiful comes out of a big mess.

"No, I've got nothing constructive to add. But I do know a funny joke I could tell."