Macabre Humorists Gifts

'Well have a good trip and remember to send us a compostcard!'

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

"Here we are."

"What are you looking at, four eyes?"

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

Curse my curiosity and four stomachs!

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

'Due to recent staff cut-backs and consolidations, I'll be handling your death AND your taxes this year!'

"Dad, can we please just buy a week wacker?"

"Well, we got the grant."

One of Dracula's 'coffin mournings'.

'Looks like this part of the beach has been claimed.'

'His Trout Almondine Veal Cordon Blue in mushroom sauce was crudely seasoned.'

Actually, I prefer to think of my body as repurposed.

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

Man tapping a tuning fork on another man's knee

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

Transylvanian Snails.

Newton discovers surrealism

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

"I just love take-out."

'Dude! Did you even check if that cloak had a flame retardant, before you bought it?'

Liberals' Wishful Thinking about Joe Biden

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

'I'm organic.'

"The most common adverse vaccine reaction after the first dose is trying to get the second dose."

'This is a first Mr Cowbird. You've contracted mad cow disase and the bird flu!'

Robot porn.

'I sculpt what I see, Miss Delsey.'

Online articles are fine, but I miss being annoyed by the fragrance sample cards in print magazines.

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to marry Rosie O'Donnell.'

The Grim Rapper

"Back in 15 min."