Macabre Dining Aficionado T-Shirts

"Two things, Debbie - I don't like your choice of dinner guests and my fish tasted funny."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'Mom's Diner, Turkey Sandwich Special, $2.00.'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Do you want your zebra de la margola rare, medium or well done?'

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"How's the salmon?"

"Room for dessert, folks?"

'In case of fire, don't panic, pay your bill then run like hell.'

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

'I'll give you a bite of my calamari for one of your stuffed shrimp.'

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

"The Halloween Special is the pork and kraut. It'll come back and haunt you."

'I'm filling in for the sommelier. We have a fine shiraz today for only $39. It's 14.7 alcohol, a Class 1B flammable, so if I see you consume it near an open flame, I'll have to cite you.'

"I know you've been waiting a long time, but the Pearls were here before you."

"....and hold the garlic."

"Eggshell in omelette make Hulk angry!"

"...and the asparagus this evening is delightful. It's been simmering all day in the tears of the poor."

Man Trying to Uncork Champagne.