Macabre Dining Aficionado Gifts

"Two things, Debbie - I don't like your choice of dinner guests and my fish tasted funny."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Special: Scrabbled Eggs. No, sir, it's not a misprint -- Ernie adds alphabet soup.

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'Mom's Diner, Turkey Sandwich Special, $2.00.'

"I understand this diner has quite a reputation."

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

Periodic table for two. Chez LMN't

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

'Do you want your zebra de la margola rare, medium or well done?'

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

"Room for dessert, folks?"

'In case of fire, don't panic, pay your bill then run like hell.'

"How's the salmon?"

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

'I'll give you a bite of my calamari for one of your stuffed shrimp.'

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'

F&E Diner. I'll bet you want the alphabet soup, right? Hey! Don't put words in my mouth!

"...and the asparagus this evening is delightful. It's been simmering all day in the tears of the poor."

"I know you've been waiting a long time, but the Pearls were here before you."

"The Halloween Special is the pork and kraut. It'll come back and haunt you."

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

'I'm filling in for the sommelier. We have a fine shiraz today for only $39. It's 14.7 alcohol, a Class 1B flammable, so if I see you consume it near an open flame, I'll have to cite you.'

"Eggshell in omelette make Hulk angry!"

Man Trying to Uncork Champagne.