Lyric Laughers Gifts

'Give up wine, women, and if you still insist on song, take singing lessons, you're flat.'

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

A Club Sandwitch.

'There must be some way we can capitalize on that damn boson.'

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

'You're right...these are your hormone pills. Thank goodness we noticed before anything serious happened.'

Pie chart of pub conversations

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

'My battery is dead. How does it end?'

"My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references."

'Here's the problem, sir. This isn't blood in your veins. It's red ink.'

Laugh break

Cracked Quacks Strip: Cosmetic surgeon mix up.

Devils in hell bang on the ceiling as the angels upstairs are being too noisy.

"Even after all these years, you can still make me laughso hard I pee my pants...of course, I dod that when I sneeze, too!"

'He's lost his voice...'

"And a parsley in a pear treeeee."

'Keep this to yourself, Henderson, this will fund our research for the next ten years!'

'...and that concludes the emergency procedures. Since we have a few minutes before take-off, how many of you are familiar with 'Amway'?'

"I been to CVS, Whole Foods, Duane Reade, Stop & Shop, Safeway, Walgreens, Publix, Star Market, WinCo, Wegman's, Trader Joe's, Post Office..."

"You're not going to eat me are you? Have you never heard of mad worm disease?"

Throwing Away Music

"But enough about me..."

"I paid twelve quid for this and it only mentions nine!"

Book Burp

"Why..... Why, why Delilah? Because she was no good for me"

"Alice said the bottle had 'Drink Me' on the label but the only word I can see is Gin!"

'I'll give it to you straight - This disease is almost IMPOSSIBLE to pronounce.'

"We're not getting too many kids this year."

Tonight's comedy show will be interpreted for the chronically offended

"To be honest, a couple of years ago I picked an age and have stuck to it ever since."

"Fred's conversational level speaks volumes. When he's losing an argument, he raises the volume."