Literate Laughter Gifts

'My battery is dead. How does it end?'

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"It turns out you can 'take it with you' if you pack correctly."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

'Does it matter what answer I put down? After all, this is Liberal Arts.'

"I said 'follow,' not stalk your bliss!"

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'Hey! I just started my James Patterson novel and I'm on chapter 97!' 'You read 20 pages already?'

"My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references."

"It's okay. That's just adult-speak for hot dogs."

"Boy, I get booed everytime I perform here."

Down with canned laughter.

Pharaoh on the toilet.

The Terror Of Folkenstein

'If they install word recognition software in my texting program, I wouldn't have to know how to spell or read. Ain't technology great?'

Estate Agents - Now in!! Affordable houses (flooded).

"I haven't written anything yet, but I'm looking for someone to ghostwrite my book 'how to delegate.'"

Book Burp

Over six thousand spectators attended the final.

"You'd better change your ways soon, young man, because you're skating on pretty thin ice right now."

'And do you, Larry, promise to love, honor and remember Helene's name?'

'...and why shouldn't she be sleeping with your next door neighbour - she's my wife!'

"I paid twelve quid for this and it only mentions nine!"

'I'll give it to you straight - This disease is almost IMPOSSIBLE to pronounce.'

Sad Humour

"Hallo...local hospital? I understand you're short on beds."

"Fred's conversational level speaks volumes. When he's losing an argument, he raises the volume."

"D'you think he's taking it too literally?"

God laughs with you, not at you - unless you pray for something stupid.

Pope Benedict XVI

"I used to ooze sexuality, but it turned out to just be Chlamydia."

"You can outsource homework, but outsourcing a test would be very tricky."

'Don's a workaholic. Mention work, and he gets drunk.'